GET SMART: Get Fudged
by Dan Bivens
Summary: Can Maxwell Smart, Agent 86, resist the sweetness surrounding him on this latest mission against KAOS, or will he succumb to his sweet tooth?
1. Chapter 1

A man in a small red sports car squeals around the corner of an otherwise busy street, and screaches to a halt in front of a building with revolving doors at its entrance.

The man hurriedly gets out of his car and rushes through the revolving doors, through which he finds himself spat out on the sidewalk again.

With a look of momentary self-loathing and self-recrimination for having done something so stupid, punctuated by both fists striking downward in the empty air...

Then the man makes another mad dash through the revolving doors. This time not being spun back around.

The man takes a special set of stairs, with a broad red line running down through its middle, and proceeds to the first of several automatically opening heavy doors...

Until he ends up stepping into a lone telephone booth, after which the man dials a special number, then turns around with his arms crossed over his slender chest...

After which, in an instant, he dropped through the tricked out bottom of said telephone booth, to end up in the subterrainean, multi sub-floor headquarters of CONTROL.

The man's name, as if no one could've guessed by now, was Maxwell Smart: Agent 86.

Not the brightest tool in the shed, but the only one willing to work for below minimum wage currently paid to active agents of CONTROL.

Moments later, Smart stepped through another automatically opening door, with a wood grain finish, so as to place him inside the office of the Chief of CONTROL.

"Good morning, Chief," cheerfully, and a little idiotically, greeted Smart as he stepped through the automatically opening, then closing, single bulletproof, and bomb-proof, faux wood grain, single door.

"Oh, good morning, 86," absently said, in return, the Chief of CONTROL to someone who considers himself to be the number one CONTROL agent. How wrong he was...

"What's the KAOS-created anti-goodness, pro-evil act against the United States and her allies?" asked Smart, even as he sat down in the chair directly in front of the Chief's desk, crossed his legs at the knees, took out a cigarette from the metal box of same on the Chief's desktop, placed it in his mouth and lit it with a lighter Maxwell Smart carried in his coat pocket.

"We've gotten word," began the Chief, while looking over the paperwork from the open file situated upon his neat-as-a-pin desk, "that KAOS has located one of their many recruiting centers in the back of a bakery that specializes in chocolate fudge.

"Chocolate fudge," repeated, somewhat stupidly, Agent 86. "Imagine that. Not only is KAOS threatening our freedom, they're contributing to fatness and the onset of adult diabetes. Diabolical, Chief."

For a brief instant, the Chief of CONTROL tightly closed his eyes, whilst pinching the bridge of his nose, both designed to stop the headache he was about to have, and one which he always seemed to have, because of this singular agent of CONTROL.

"What're we doing, Chief?" continued Smart, as if the Chief had no adverse reaction to him at all. "Pulling together a group of heavily armed, and armored, agents to rush the bakery, with me on point, until every last anti-American agent was laying dead and bloody upon the floor?"

"No, 86, not quite."

"How about a small group of well-dressed agents, entering the bakery and making a large order of donuts and fudge, but then paying for it with specially marked bills with which we could track down the whereabouts of their top agents, so we can arrest them later?"

"No, 86," the Chief sighed, as he tightly closed his eyes and pinched his nose again.

"Would you believe," wound down Maxwell Smart, as his idiocy stood out once again, "me going in to get a couple of dozen donuts and fudge for us to nibble on while making up some sort of counter-intelligence plan to be put into action at some later date?"

This time, the Chief of CONTROL not only tightly closed his eyes and pinched his nose, he took a bottle of anti-headache pills from the top drawer of his desk, and quickly placed one in his mouth to be washed down by a hastily poured glass of water.

"Headache, Chief?"


	2. Chapter 2

Agent 99 stepped into the Chief's office, just seconds after the Chief had summoned her electronically and secretly via an unseen button on his desk.

The faux wood grain bulletproof/bomb-proof metal door swiftly slid open to allow the beauteous 99 to enter...

Much to the stupidly shown delight of Agent 86...

"Hello, Chief. Hello, Max."

"Yes, it certainly is, 99," dumbly delivered Maxwell Smart to Agent 99. Only to realize what he had said, and how it had nothing to do with this lovely CONTROL agent's double greeting. Scrunching up his face, while an aghast Chief stood politely at the entrance of a woman into his office. As did Agent 86.

"Please, 99, be seated," said the Chief, even as both he and 99 sat down, one behind the desk and the other in front, and to one side, of that self-same desk. "I'll go over the anti-KAOS plan with you. I'm sure 86 might need a refresher to that same plan."

Having said that last sentence with more than a little disgust over how stupid Maxwell Smart sometimes turned out to be. Even though, by blind luck or the ineptitude of the KAOS agents involved, 86 did have an almost perfect record of foiling plans by said KAOS agents. Otherwise...

"Now, Chief, you know I have a mind like a steel trap, when it comes to details of plans laid out by a leader as competent as you, and an agent as competent as me."

"Enough, Max," growled, with the tightly closed eyes and pinched nose that were the telling signs of an 86 caused headache. "Ok, 99, here's the details of this latest plan against a secret headquarters for KAOS..."

"You'll love it, 99," said, with a stupid half-smile, Smart, as another headache apparently gripped the Chief of CONTROL. "It's one sweet plan."

As a grumble issued forth from the Chief, who clearly wanted to bang his forehead on his desktop to get rid of the ceaseless headache pain caused by Agent 86...

"Uh, sorry about that Chief," awkwardly apologized Maxwell Smart, as 99 smiled in both amusement and affection for the CONTROL agent with whom she so often founder herself teamed. "Go ahead and tell her, I'll sit here quietly."

"If only that were possible, Max," mumbled the Chief, even as he popped another anti-headache pill into his mouth and washed it down with another shakily poured glass of water.

Later that day, at the KAOS-run bakery...

Seigfried, the clearly German, probably pro-Nazi, leader of KAOS was in the smallish temporary headquarters of said KAOS, going over their own plan with three agents of KAOS...

"Ve are here, behind this bakery, which has some of the most delicious fudge I've tasted since my Facist upbringing in ze Fatherland, to help pull off a coups in regards to destabilizing CONTROL in zees parts. Thus making KAOS once again ze greatest anti-Democracy secret agency zat has ever been known to zis world."

One of the three KAOS agents timidly raised his hand...

"Vhat is it, Agent 22?" Seigfried snapped, causing said Agent 22 of KAOS to quickly drop his hand. "Do you have to take a pee-pee or poop? You know where ze bathroom is located!"

"No, Comrad Seigfried," the cowed KAOS agent replied. "I was just going to ask if this would be an anti-Capitalism affair, too?"

"Of course not, Agent 22, you dumbkoff!" Seigfried promptly replied in a comical version of a scar-faced megalomaniac out for world domination. "Have you seen the profits zis bakery is making for us?"

As silence fell over the three attending KAOS agents, the leather-coat wearing Seigfried slapped his thigh with a riding crop to punctuate the ending of their little pre-destroy-CONTROL meeting...

"Awk! Zis briefing...is over...!"


	3. Chapter 3

Maxwell Smart's little red sports car, with Agent 99 riding in the passenger's leather seat, pulls up to a halt directly in front of the KAOS owned and operated bakery.

"Well, 99, here we are," Smart said with an idiot's grin. Then he reaches for the car's cigerette lighter and places it before his lips. "Maxwell Smart, Agent 86, to CONTROL. Come in CONTROL."

Then he held the car's lighter to his right ear and listened...

"Yes, Max, this is the Chief," came the all-too-familiar voice of the head of CONTROL. "Now you're sure you have the plan down. We can't tip off the agents working as bakers that CONTROL is on to them. Otherwise, they'll just pull up stakes and set up some other front elsewhere in the city."

"Don't worry, Chief," Smart said into the car's lighter, which he had just moved from his right ear to directly in front of his mouth again. "99 and I will dazzle you with how we handle this assignment. Would you believe it? Dazzle you."

Holding the car's lighter to his right ear once again, he heard the Chief say, "Max, I find that hard to believe."

"Would you believe thrill you?"

"No, Max, I wouldn't."

"How about mildly excite you?"

With that, Maxwell Smart, Agent 86, ceased the transmitted conversation, and pushed the cigerette lighter back into its place on the dashboard of his sports car.

"Ready, 99?"

"Ready, Max."

With that, the two opened their respective doors and climbed out. Max making his way around to join 99 on the sidewalk before the entrance/exit to the bakery.

Which just happened to be called: "The Smart Bakery".

The two CONTROL agents entered, 99 first, with Smart coming through directly behind her. The sweet aroma of various baked goods hit 86 like a ton of bricks. Soft bricks with cream inside them.

They walk up to the counter, at which point 99 said, as per the Chief's plan, "Excuse me, but do you have anything that's sugar free. My husband is a diabetic, but still has a sweet tooth. Isn't that right, Sweetie?"

Meantime, Smart was salivating over the delectable desserts ranging from ordinary glazed donuts to thick blocks of super-sweet fudge, and everything in-between. He hadn't heard the plan's prepaired line, nor the question directed right at him. He just kept looking, and sniffing, and salivating.

"How much for the chocolate-covered ones with the white cream inside?"

99 tugged on Max's arm, to get his attention and get things back on track, but the KAOS agent/baker replied, without a hint of suspicion as to these two customers being CONTROL agents...

"Seventy-five cents apiece, or four dollars for a half-dozen."

"Four dollars, huh?" muttered Maxwell Smart to himself, even as 99 squeezed his arm hard enough to cause him to yelp, "Ouch, that really hurt. You really should file down your fingernails, Ninety...er, uh, Nina."

"I was just trying to get your attention, Sweetie," 99 said with a forced smile, while using her eyes to communicate to 86 that they were there to stop KAOS from operating this front. She was cutting her eyes sharply toward the KAOS agent/baker standing before them on the other side of the counter.

Finally, Smart caught on, and managed to ignore the overwhelming sweetness surrounding him in order to reiterate what 99 had just asked seconds earlier...

"Yes, I'm a diabetic with a sweet tooth. So I'd appreciate it if you could locate, somewhere in all this, something sweet yet sugar-free."

Having raised the KAOS agent/baker's suspicions as to whom they really were, and why they were really there, he excused himself by saying, "I don't believe we have anything out here, but let me check in the back. There may be something back there that will fit your needs precisely."

After he disappeared through the swinging doors, which led back into the depths of the bakery-KAOS headquarters...

"Sorry about that, 99," Smart said dumbly, "but I couldn't help it. Everything seems so tasty. If only these KAOS agents could use their bakery for goodness, instead of badness."

Meantime, in the back of the bakery/KAOS headquarters, the agent/baker stepped into the office area where Seigfried could be found, and reported, "Sir, I'm not sure, but this couple, looking to buy sugar-free doughnuts or something, seem suspicious. I'm afraid they might be with Interpol or the CIA or..."

"Or CONTROL," finished the heavy-German-accented Seigfried, as he stood and slapped his thigh with his riding crop once again, immediately regretting it, while holding back the urge to yelp in pain. "Show me zis couple."

Seigfried followed the KAOS agent/baker out, so he could look through the swinging doors' small, square glass windows to see...

"Zat is Maxwell Shmart, Agent 86, alright," the scar-faced, graying haired Seigfried said with some excitement over seeing his old archnemesis, but stopped himself from slapping his still-stinging thigh with his riding crop again. Instead, he pulled a Lugar from his leather coat's pocket, and lead the agent/baker back out through that self-same swinging door.

"I am afraid, Mishter Shmart," said Seigfried the instant he stepped out with his Lugar in hand, "that the only desserts you are going to get, is the just desserts you've earned as an agent for CONTROL."

"A very clever choice of words, Seigfried," said Smart, as he inched his right hand to his waist, where his holstered .38 was located.

"Yes, I thought zhey were a little clever, Shmart."

"But not clever enough, Seigfried!"

Having shouted that, Maxwell Smart, Agent 86, did two things to turn the tide: First, he pulled a special button from the bottom of his suit's coat and hurled it down, so it would ignite and issue forth a thick, blinding, choking cloud of smoke.

After which, he pulled his .38, whilst 99 did the self-same thing from the one in her purse, and began firing...

Even as, as the cloud of choking smoke grew ever thicker within the small confines of the bakery's front area, Seigfried fired back, narrowly missing 86 by a scant inch, as it ripped through the shoulder of his suit's coat...

Looking, through squinted eyes, at 99 next to him, he held up his gun-free hand and held its thumb and forefinger in close proximity to one another, as he remarked comically, "Missed me by that much."

Finally, he fired, albeit blindly, his .38 three times, one of those bullets impacting painfully with the gun in Seigfried's hand, knocking the Lugar out of it to clatter upon the smoke-filled shop's floor...

"Ok, Mishter Shmart," called out the now unarmed head of KAOS, at least for part of it, just as the smoke was starting to clear, "you've got me! I give up."

"Very wise of you, Seigfried," taunted a too-confident Agent 86, as both he and 99 maintained their .38s general aim on the black, leather coat-wearing enemy of CONTROL. "If you hadn't given up, I was going to shoot you, and take a dozen chocolate-covered, cream-filled doughnots...without paying."

As the idiotically smiling Smart seemed pleased with that, 99 gives him a loving-yet-disgusted, just a little, look. Which 86 never even noticed, as Seigfried rolled his eyes up into his head, signifying his own disgust over Maxwell Smart's idiocy, and his tremendous good luck at, once again, apprehending Seigfried...

Who would be able to get out, once again, and take his rightful place as the head of KAOS. At least, as one of the heads of KAOS.


End file.
